It's not you...it's me

To Facebook or not To Facebook…that is the question.

It’s been a question of mine for quite some time now. I’ve made my mental lists of pros and cons, I’ve done trial runs (intentional and unintentional), I’ve thought it through. And through. And through.  Final declaration: it shall not be rethunk (at least for now). I’m going off the FB for who knows how long. I never say never, so maybe I’ll be back. Maybe not.

Very important disclaimer: what I am about to say about Facebook applies to me and my circumstances. It is not meant to apply to yours and it does not mean that if you are on Facebook you have a problem, or I am better than you, or you suck. It probably means you have better self-discipline than I do when it comes to the FB beast—and if that’s the case, good for you! I wish I had it. If I did, I wouldn’t be getting off.

My New Year’s Resolution for 2013 is to live more intentionally and be more ‘present.’ I plan to do that in many more ways than one. Pray more—more often and more meaningfully. Return to spending my sacred 20 minutes with my husband—those 20 minutes after the kids go to bed and before my eyes instantaneously snap shut in exhaustion. Reflect more—blog more, write in my diary more, read more. I’m quite confident that leaving the FB will help me do all of the above. I’ll of course have to do other things to keep up those resolutions. I am fully aware that coming off the FB is not the easy road/quick fix to the hefty resolution I have laid out before me. But I know it’ll help.

I want to live more intentionally--for these three goobers--and for myself, too. Happy 2013!

My reasons for leaving FB are many. Number one is to help fulfill my resolution. The rest include, but are not limited to…

1 Too much time!

Maybe this is just me, but I can find myself logging on my Kindle before going to bed at night around 10:15. After I’ve just done what I would think was ‘a little Facebooking,’ I roll over and see it’s 11:00. Dang! Where’d those 45 minutes go? I should have been spending time with Jack. Or at the very least reading. Hell, I should be sleeping since I never know when the kiddos are going to wake up in my crazy, unpredictable house. It’s a time sucker-outer for me, that FB. I am an extremely self-disciplined person. I am able to set long and short term goals for myself and achieve them—regularly. But I just can’t do it with the FB, I just can’t. I’ve tried to tell myself to only log on for 15 minutes a night, or only once every few days. And that stupid icon on my smart phone and Kindle—it just mocks me. I’ve even tried taking the icon off both devices—I’ll do well for a few days and then all of the sudden I HAVE TO HAVE IT and I end up putting it back on. What is this, chocolate? Or worse, chocolate and peanut butter?

Take today as another perfect example. We are in Paradise. We are at Nonna’s Castle. My kids are frolicking in the sun on the beach. I am joining them. I feel I am being present. I am laughing, and sinking my toes in the sand, and running into the waves with Joe and running back out to the sand so the sharks don’t get our ankles. We’ve been digging for buried treasure and going to the park, and playing with puzzles. Even so—why on Earth have I checked Facebook on my phone no less than ten times since I’ve been awake? Why did I check it when I got up to go to the bathroom at 6:15 a.m.? Why was I scrolling through it when I was putting P to bed last night instead of holding her tight after we said prayers and smelling her deliciously sweet hair (that had sand and Triscuit crumbs in it)? What the heck am I looking for? Gold? Some other buried treasure? Validation? Happiness? To see what John Mellencamp is saying about his next tour? I’m not looking for gold. I know that’s not on Facebook, it’s out on the beach where the pirates have buried it (that’s what Joe says, at least). I’m not looking for validation. I don’t need it. I’m not looking for happiness, because that I’ve got. Maybe I  AM curious about what Mellencamp says about his next tour. But I am quite certain I can do without that information in my life. I wasn’t aware that I have an addictive personality, but maybe I do? I dunno. But it seems I find myself checking Facebook sometimes just because I can, or just to fill the gaps in between activities, those two and a half minutes of silence or transition from one thing to the next. I think that time would be better spent with my own thoughts or just being more present in the world around me. Perhaps it’s not Facebook that’s the problem, perhaps it’s my smart phone. Or perhaps (more likely) it’s me!

2 Too much negativity!

More often than not, Facebook celebrates life and the good things. The hope and the love. The warm and fuzzy stuff. I will miss seeing exciting announcements: engagements, pregnancies, births, mega revelations. I will miss following friends that I’ve recently just connected with, and old buddies from the grade school days. But there are enough times that FB doesn’t celebrate the good that it brings me down. I’ve done my best to cut the folks with the dismal updates from my feed, and that helped some. But here’s another thing the FB has done that I wasn’t aware of until I was: it’s contributed to my sometimes insecurities as a parent.

I consider myself a fairly confident person overall. I find the way in which I doubt myself the most is as a Momma. I’d say five out of seven times a week I rate myself as a pretty good Momma and feel okay with the job I’m doing. But on those two days I feel inadequate parenting, the FB is my worst enemy. A  post about how one stay-at-home Momma is doing XYZ with her kiddos and not missing any milestones here, a post from a full-time working Momma about how she’s juggling all her plates with ease there. A post from a Momma whose kiddo was potty-trained in three days here, a post from a Momma whose kiddo cleans up after himself AND always says please and thank you there. A post about a Momma whose six weeks post-partum and has lost her baby weight here, a post about a Momma who can do it all there. I can’t compete with any of that. On my five good days, those posts don’t bother me. In fact, I probably like them or comment to give a Momma a pat on the back. On my average two inadequate parenting days, I read a post like that and just think I’m STILL not keeping up. And I don’t need that, suckas! It’s just like that dual subscription to Parents Magazine and Better Homes and Gardens that came from a very well-meaning friend but has made me realize how much I’m NOT doing as a parent that (apparently?) I should be doing. I need to be okay with what I am doing—on my good days, but ESPECIALLY on the bad ones.

I am very aware that FB is full of the highlights and not the everyday mundane stuff. Not many post about the bad stuff. But still, the danger of comparing another’s highlights to my everyday mundane stuff is too great—and ends up being a source of negativity that I don’t want to contend with.  Again, this is not Facebook’s problem—it’s mine! But if I clearly don’t have a good handle on it 100% of the time, then it’s time to do away with it.

3 Too much stress!

Perhaps this is a compulsion of mine (see paragraph on possible addictive personality above), but every time someone posts on my wall, or sends me a message, I feel an obligation to write back. I also feel like I should respond to ‘likes.’ Am I the only person who feels this way? Damn you, Facebook! You’ve made me have another inbox! Or—it’s the common thread I’m noticing—damn ME for making it seem like one! I’ve made FB another inbox, that’s what I’ve done. And I’ve already got plenty of those, the biggest and heftiest of which (work) already consumes enough of my time and stress. Bah!

On the flip side, for those who do write to me or post on my wall, and I never get back to them—I feel that I’m missing out on an opportunity to reconnect. I have forgotten to write back to a former student or a well-meaning friend on more occasions than I’d like to admit. If those same individuals had written me an e-mail, I guarantee I’d have gotten back to them much quicker. I’m just better at e-mail, I guess. Or maybe I think e-mail is more personal. Again, I dunno. It just seems that with Facebook, I have at once made interactions more and less personal, if that makes any kind of sense. Maybe it’s just not an ideal form of communication for me.

Bottom line: the FB has become another stressor in my life. And Heavens knows I don’t need another one of those!

4 Too little interaction with the real world!

I was on the beach today with the kiddos and found myself wondering what kind of witty, sharp, funny post I could come up with to capture our time out there. What the? In what world am I living? The real one, or the social media one? And for whom am I performing? Serious eye-opener. Time to clock out of FB world, Steph, and clock in to real time. Less documentation of your life, Steph, and more living it!

Once again, I’m reserving the right to disclaim that these are my problems with the FB, and not yours, or not those of many (or perhaps any other) Facebook users. So do not misinterpret my words. Facebook is a great thing, it really is, when used the way it was intended and in moderation. But at this moment in time, for reasons I cannot explain, I apparently cannot use the FB as it was intended, or in moderation.

When it takes away too much time from what I should be focused on (hubby! kids!), when it brings about more self-doubt than already exists in a still-new Momma, when it causes more stress than joy, when it straddles the line of reality and sub-reality, it’s time to put on the breaks. While I cannot explain why it’s done this, I know myself well enough to know when it could potentially become a problem. That time is now, so I’ll quit while I’m ahead.

I gave up Facebook for Lent in 2012. A stress-free 40 days? Hardly. A feeling good about myself 100% as a Mum 40 days? Of course not. But I do recall it being extremely refreshing and a bit more carefree. I went to China for 11 days and their government restricted me from logging on to Facebook while there. In that time, I read three (very long!) books, took baths (who does that?!), and felt extremely well-rested. Yes, I do realize a huge part of that is because I was sans kids—but even so, I felt more in touch with the outside world, and more engaged in it. Turns out that was a very good thing, as it gave me the time and space to learn as much as I could about China’s culture while I was there.

Facebook—thank you. For allowing me to celebrate the highlights of my camino. For introducing me to Ali, to Nora, to Momastery. And reconnecting me with many dear loved ones and introducing new ones. But it’s time we parted ways.

It’s not you, Facebook, it’s me. 

The three loves of my life, who deserve my attention--Facebook free!